GENERATIONAL TRAUMA

Our world is a little fucked up.

Ok, a lot fucked up.

I say this for many reasons, but for the purpose of this entry, I am talking about the fact that so many people have children before they’ve healed their shit.

Or before they’ve acknowledged that they even have shit.

That’s worse.

Here we are;

People procreate, blissfully unaware of how their family’s trauma reproduces itself in situations eerily similar to their own upbringing. The past repeats itself, over and over.

The truth is, many of us grew up feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood. It was a swift spank and

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

instead of asking why you acted out.

It was a blatant ignoring of our emotional landscape with quick outbursts and reactions instead. We’re left alone, in our rooms, to think about how having big emotions is bad. We learn to condemn ourselves when we feel those feelings. We never learn how to navigate them properly and welcome in all sides of ourselves. We become afraid of what lies inside of us; maybe it’s darkness, maybe it’s bad.

Maybe I’M bad.

We harbour resentment and anger towards our parents who didn’t take the time to see us fully, to validate us, in all of our wonder.

I’m going to speak in we’s, assuming that you feel me on this. If you don’t, even better. It means you grew up with parents that have a high EQ and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I’m assuming, though, that most of us did not.

I’m going to preface this by saying that I love my parents and I love everyone who struggles with being stuck in their trauma (including myself, & working through it).

It’s the curse of being human.

We’re all in this together.

So,

as we get older, we internalize all of these big feelings and realize that we must create ways of behaving in public. We have to act like responsible, upstanding, functioning members of society. Maybe we have a mask, everything is all good on the outside. I am perfect. My Instagram feed is real. The highlights make up the whole thing.

But we know that isn’t true.

Maybe our darkness rears its ugly head when we are alone. We know there’s something deep inside that feels unsettled and unwell.

But we can’t quite put our finger on it.

So like we were taught as youngins, we pretend it doesn’t exist.

And if you point out my darkness, I will snap at you.

Defence mechanism in place.

If I’m not going to look at it, there’s no way that I can have you looking at it.

Walls.

Hiding.

Lies.

Masks.

Fear.

Since we haven’t learned how to properly navigate our feelings and emotions, any emotion that arrises that isn’t “desirable” becomes a threat. Oh no. I feel something. This can’t be good. We have a tough time expressing our feelings to others because we can barely make sense of them ourselves. And if this form of trauma resonates with you, maybe you even feel like people don’t care to hear about your emotions because your emotions were always shut down. So instead of articulating them with love, you yell them out because you assume no one wants to understand you anyways. Or maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum and you don’t bother expressing yourself at all.

What’s funny about a trauma response is that it always comes up.

And you’ll know when it does.

You’re acting from a trauma response when your mind races, or goes blank, and something takes over. Maybe you feel queasy or maybe your heart palpitates. You might get REALLY defensive, shut down, turn red or profusely sweat from every orifice. Anger might boil up so quickly you have no idea what spewed out of your mouth until it’s too late.

It’ll show up in a way that is unique to you.

But if you know, you know.

You can spend an entire lifetime trapped in these thought loops. Constantly reproducing similar situations or attracting similar outcomes. You can spend your entire life feeling like you aren’t free. And you’re right. Except the perpetrator isn’t who you think it is.

You. It’s all you. It’s the limiting beliefs that you’ve created for survival.

If you’ve felt abandoned or alone, maybe you believe that you’re unloveable. Maybe you think you are only loveable if you have something to offer, so you take on more than you can handle. In overextending yourself for validation, you may get frustrated and constantly feel taken advantage of. You may act out on this and constantly blame others for taking too much from you. But this is all a trauma response rooted in a limiting belief that stems from baby you. It’s all connected, and it all means something. It’s your job to uncover it.

If you felt abandoned, you continue to abandon yourself when you don’t reclaim your own autonomy and your right to exist.

Reclaim all of your emotions and every part of your being. Reclaim that which makes you who you are to realize that the person holding you hostage is you. Shining the light of awareness onto your beautiful parts, all of them, you’ll see that your emotions are messengers. They aren’t threats. They are your truth, bubbling to the surface. They come in peace. All of you is welcome.

You forgot your truth along the way. You grew up and your truth got buried deep inside. Maybe you feel like your truth is a lie, and that my love is where you are mistaken.

You are a magical creature

You are loved

& you are love.

All that which you need, is inside.

& all you have to do, is listen.

Photo by @tyler_spangler on instagram